I'm too sad and tired to write now.

I feel like I'm tired of being endlessly optimistic all the time. It's so hard to get anything going. Maybe it's just as well, you know? Maybe I suck? Maybe I ought to stop complaining and get a janitorial job even though I can't mop my own floor? I can't even clean. I have too much attitude to clean anyone else's house. I'd want them to be on their knees thanking me for cleaning up after them. I'd want a title like "Doctors" have "Dr." / I want so much.

Maybe this is the plight of being American and assuming I can have it all and now. Oprah says anyone can have it all. Yeah, okay.

Maybe it's because I'm turning 40 on Friday. I've been crawling towards forty since I was 20. Now I'm here. And I've got bupkus to show for it.

Why would anyone want to live forever? This is hard. I'm not gonna hang myself from a shower or anything, but I'm tired.

Even though I made $8,000 in 2005, the welfare office says they overpaid me and wants me to pay them back. I've had it. I just can't get ahead. I've got a knot in my stomach that I ought to name and start chatting with. I never feel alone with the little knot in my stomach.

How does anyone make movies? I work so hard and yet I'm obviously really untalented and doing all the wrong things. How can I be so audacious when all these OTHER people seem to do indie movies ALL THE TIME. it's hard. They must be superhuman.

I wouldn't even write this but everyone says you start one of these things, you've gotta feed the f*ucker.

Here. Here's my up close failure again. People like me end up on Dr. Phil shows admitting the absurdity of wasting time following dreams that were obviously jokes.

I suppose I got it all early on and I ought to be grateful.

I don't want to whine.

So if I stop for awhile, this is why. I don't want my own patheticness staring me back in the face. I can't be my own cheerleader right now. She's off in the welfare line, trying to pay THEM.

i SO get why people just say forget it and end up on the street. the rules! the rules are so absurd. It takes another kind of degree in Illogical Bureaucracy to understand that. and thinking like them takes another side of your brain and full time. no wonder entire pallettes of people stay on the dole. and i'm not even as bad off as them.

oh, heck. let me shut up. i'm just re-bumming myself out.

i'm taking a break.