What happens when you don't read "Teen Beat."

(KENDALL McKENZIE with The Unknown Heroin Addict) This is the first photo I've ever actually seen of my art as a tattoo and I thank Miss Kendall for getting around to taking a picture alongside the frightened heroin addict tranny who refuses to suckle. Ah! But me thinks that her nipples are screaming in his ear. You think I make this stuff up? I got the picture originally in color and as you know I'm on the black and white clog program because I can't afford color. And in color there's a lot of frightened red on his lips and on her underwear. Except on a photo like that, you can't exactly call those "underwear," can you? Underwear enable you to tuck your breasts in. But the word "panties" makes me feel like a creepy pedophile. Ick.

But if you see the rest of her, you know her nipples are screaming obscenities in that po' boy's ear and he doesn't know whether to go on a murderous rampage or pray to God.

When I first moved to this apartment 15 years ago, there was a creepy, skulking girl on the first floor whom Kris Kovick called "Dirty Talk" because she did phone sex. That was before we heard about guys ordering dirty PANTIES over the phone, thereby ruining the word for me forever.

I think living in San Francisco has ruined a lot of sex for me. If you give me a hug and crack my back, I'm ecstatic now. Lesbianism came and went like leg warmers. Oprah's even airing last season's re-runs and pregnant suburban moms are going girl-girl now that it's so "Yawn!" BDSM and SM is everywhere like parking meters with brass rings to chain up your love slaves. It's the secretaries and insurance adjusters who're into that stuff now, and bending over their boyfriends, then going to Goth clubs. Real artists have to avoid Goth clubs because another drop of despair in this town, and you're bound to hang yourself in the rest rooms.

Miss Kendall is a writer, too. That's why there's a typewriter on her arm. Now, did she become a writer after or before she became a Burleycue dancer? She is a very smart woman, for they are one in the same if you're thinking. She's published. Of COURSE SHE IS! How could you not publish her? I forwarded her photo to my writer friends (the four I have left) and they said, "yeah! we'll start a publishing house and publish her ourselves!" And I was like, "huh? what do you mean?" For I hadn't noticed the heroin addict or her... panties... in true LEO ME ME ME! fashion, I only noticed MY DRAWING of the kicking lady. And then I looked again and said, "Oh. Oh yeah." And in true business fashion I thought, "Smart girl."

And in a few years she'll get to be called a "dame." I peppered--no, PEANUT BUTTER-SLATHERED-- that word throughout my script. I love it.

Apparently Kendall says she read my books when she was a teen-ager. Kim Severson, the writer, said, "Wow. She was reading your books when she could've been reading 'Teen Beat'?"

And I asked, "'Teen Beat'?... How in the hell do you remember such things?"

So this is what happens when you don't read 'Teen Beat,' kiddos.

Thank you, Miss Kendall.

--Erika