(repost from '09) Revenge of the Sons of Sampson...

The Closing Ceremony for the Kitten Lopez Holiday...

When i was about 12 years old, i tried to read "Seventeen" magazine. i really did. I stole them back when whitney houston was black and modeled for them in really short hair and thick eyebrows inspired by brooke shields that'd come to dominate the '80s with big hair. soon butt thongs would be the death knell for pubic hair on grown women.

i couldn't take too many months of "seventeen" magazines as the pages were filled with the kind of girls i liked to make fun of. soon i learned how to steal "hustler" from hank's news stand.

i stole this cover and i was too young to know it was controversial:



i was too busy getting my sense of humor on the inside and copying fashion tips from vanessa del rio. the edge for me was chester the molester. ew. he measured boogers for foreplay. the funniest cartoon was by someone i don't remember. it was a drawing of a skinny little guy lost between this huge hulk of a scary woman and she said, "Just pick the scabs honey, and i'll be good and wet." it still makes me wince and laugh at the same time. and has contributed to the woman i am today.

but then you already knew that, didn't you? anyhow, larry flynt was the first magazine pornographer to have women actually open their legs and between that and abutting the american flag next to pubic hair, larry flynt got shot as a traitor to the cause for doing beaver shots of pandora's box:


just like the books i held off on buying because i thought books were in print forever (as an author, now i know magazines have a longer shelf life), i thought pubic hair would be around as long as humans were. but alas, i was so crazy mad wrong. it's almost as extinct as the logic regarding housing and government bailouts, and if you want to see a grown woman, you have to ask your friends to send you anonymous pictures or troll on the internet in the "fetish" hirsute sites.

cripes. what have we done?

then i realized we're living out the continuation of an old faery tale. the kind with an "e." the serious kind where mothers ate children so they could look young and single for a new lover. not like cleaned up disney ones where you expect your parents to still love you unconditionally once you learn how to speak.

okay. check this out...

in the olden times---yes, back when vaginas had teeth, tiny people lived in transistor radios, AND hair could turn into snakes---there were these gorgons and they were so beautiful and hot, they had long hair and were like porn incarnate and if you looked them in the eyes their hair turned to snakes and they could make you so fucking hard, your whole BODY would turn to stone.



so then there was a sometimes pornographic civil war between men and women to turn society from a matriarchal one to a patriarchal one. sometimes the differences made sex so hot, tennessee williams wrote sweaty-cotton-in-cracks plays about it.



or unless it got so carried away the neighbors called the police or you got your head cut off like madusa...



if it weren't for gay people maintaining some semblance of order from the closet by writing plays and painting the stories while everyone was acting like animals and fighting and fucking then calling the cops afterwards, we probably would've long since been extinct.

point is that the gauntlet had been thrown, the face was slapped, the head decapitated. the war was on over hair and out of revenge for madusa, delilah cut off sampson's hair leaving him blind and fucked up. but at least she kept him alive. albeit like a cat playing with a half-dead mouse.



black people have side issues regarding hair. you don't ever cut it, but you don't wanna seem too, too black either.
so we went from a natural and proud blip in time. this is betty davis. bianca laureano turned me onto her. apparently she was married to miles davis for a year and has a tattoo on her ass that says: "THIS ASS INVENTED FUSION"...



can modern ass inspire anything besides a few scattered showers of wet dreams?
how much joy can one expect from an ass that's been tortured and beaten with wire hangers within an inch of its life?
trying to look like a tan blonde girl isn't going to inspire fusion or anything but lies on top of lies.
when you have fake blonde hair, you actually believe it when a one-night stand yells "i love you!" while fucking your bleached brains out.
your barometer's off because you started out by lying to yourself.
nope. wrong number. no fusion here...
scattered showers of forgettable ideas...



but that's for another day.

so delilah makes the mistake of letting sampson live, and we've all watched enough communist uprising movies to know the others always grow up and come back for revenge unless you kill them as children. literally or figuratively. the intellectuals and artists are the first to go.

that is why to this day, the boyish men in charge would rather turn women from this...



to this...



...so they feel less like this...



...and feel a little more like this...



Thanks for those of you daring superfreak women who came out to play with me for the Kitten Lopez Holidays.
I mean it.
You're gorgeous, beautiful and strong.
You inspire me.

Thank you.

--Erika