when i was having a really hard time at the Pennsylvania Academy of Fine Arts in Philadelphia, i'd been blackballed from the print department and i was mixing media and never sleeping, making a xerox magazine and selling it in the store. i was pissing everyone off and the chair of the department and i now hated each other. i did an exchange print busting on him and i failed the grade because no one would receive it and i was like "fuck you, i don't want your prints of flowers anyway!"

i had one secret admirer who'd pencil encouragement on my studio wall when i was gone and i was at a low point on having confidence in myself ever growing up and being able to function without ending up chained and hosed down in a cell.

so to keep me in the game and inspire me, i wrote to kurt vonnegut's publisher and told them about how i was at a low point as an artist and needed VISUAL inspiration of kurt vonnegut, even though his books were in my head.

i forgot i wrote. (that's my other part of lurching. i dare myself then forget what i did so's not to feel embarrassed.)

with nary a note, i immediately received a huuuge stack of glossy vonnegut press shots and i was so inspired and touched by the sender's humane, "oh...i understand."

so i covered my entire bathroom wall with some of the vonnegut photos, slipped some in between magazines, papers, art portfolios, and on my studio wall and next to bed and on the floor under things so i'd see them no matter what.

vonnegut's way of shrugging passionately through this life was going to inspire me to keep going and apologize for my assholeness.

because there will be a lot.

you can't try going your own way and not sometimes over step.

that's why audacity must be balanced with humility for where others are at, too.

so do your thing and prepare to apologize. especially when you're negotiating this "queen thang."

that's a thousandth reason i avoid people. cuts down on the inevitable apologies for me.

anyhow, good luck.