i forgot the most important thing about the mindful mindfucks...

the art of the mindful mindfuck is meaningless if you can't use your rational mind to first and foremost take care of yourself.

take The Snakefucker, for example...

i'm on my 4th hitachi magic wand because i burned through the three others jerking off to what he started in me. sometimes i hit bone, i was so sexually frustrated.

but what has made it hardest for me is that as genius, artistic, visionary as The Snakefucker could be with a little fucking focus with that massive heart of his, he failed the mindfuck as if he were a 2-bit hustler, and that can also happen when you find love in the shadows. they are used to scampering like rats and in a pinch, treat themselves, and you, as such.

most women at that point would say to themselves, "but i know what i saw was true. i can change him. bring out the goodness in him."

yes, you can bring out the goodness, but only if he is ready. if he is strong enough to step up to himself with chin-out integrity and courage, because then only then can he step up to and for you.

anything before that is smoke and drugstore flower apologies and you have no one to blame but yourself for having your head up your ass.

so the hardest thing i've ever had to do is grit my teeth and my pussy lips and know that in taking care of the rawest, most refined woman i want to be, i can't toss myself into oncoming traffic anymore.

i won't even let my mother or my sister or my grandmother have at me anymore.

the brighter you shine as yourself, the more you threaten others who thought they had to "grow up/be sensible" and become cattle.

and others taken in by you, eventually want to destroy and smear you, come on your face to see how pretty you are now, to kill your power over them.

but they're peeing in their own coffee.

still, they ultimately destroy you to see if you are for real. like me, they also have the inclination to destroy what they love. but they don't know how to bring it back. nor did they ever intend to because they assumed you were another huckster, like the rest.

so they didn't figure on planning that far.

but you can't love if you can't love yourself first. love as a verb, like taking out the trash, scraping paint off old furniture, etc.

i don't mean a whispy, daisy love that just floats on its back like a corpse in a pool on a sunny day.

it means push yourself when you're just a chickenshit/and protect yourself when you don't know when to stop.

all that crap is true.

and as an artist who likes being free from baser desires that don't elevate but enervate, i've learned to deconstruct the road kill of my own desires, so that i may stop putting it all on that particular person. that's bowing before false deities.

as i never want to "need" anyone, i will try and incorporate what i love about a person so that i don't have to ride bitch on their motorcycle seat to feel freedom.

fuck you. i'll learn to ride my damn self and ride bitch when i want to feel tiny and sweet.

i don't have to make a surgical choice what i want to be and when. i will be inspired by the moment and test myself to go chin out.

but when i can deny myself the scariest hottest fuck of my life--or so i think right now, but i'm old enough to know if i throw my own bloody coins into the pool, with my ability to take care of my newer narcoleptic goat self, something's gonna happen.

something even better. never look back and mourn like that was your last chance. i don't believe life is that way. i believe if you step up, and use the rejection as art--morph, recreate, discover the beauty in the truth--then you will constantly live better adventures.

no one person can or should control your destiny as long as you show up fully engaged to play, battle, or submit.

i burn my own ships for fun now and shoot myself in the foot just to keep things interesting. it can can descend into bad habit if you don't mine the gold and flush it down the toilet.

but i know that as long as i go chin out with honor next to my lust, then i can do even more of anything, because i will not sell myself out.

ever.

the moment i think i want something, i kill it to make sure my intentions are always pure, before i breathe life back into it to make the sum greater than our parts.

but no, the art of the mindfuck doesn't mean play with your food and eat it anyway if it's gonna make you sick in bed or take you out.

you have to protect yourself. but just as everything has its immediate opposite so that you don't get complacent and trust it (tricksters embody this and i'll also always fuck you up the moment you think you know me, but magic is the same. it will be mundane when you expect glitter and in that, IS glitter!).

the moment you think you know what's good, it'll take advantage of that. that's why honor and a code take a lot of sweaty work to stand firm. or move. because humility is also essential.

so the most amazing mindfuck of my life, the snakefucker? he is not meant to be, and so now that i have the time, i must mourn the man who turned me inside out beautifully, but didn't know his strength or his weakness, and treated me with high school twinkie honor and cut off both my arms with a whisk of the wrapper.

life is like that. what you think is the most holy thing in the world, others jerk off on and flush down toilets.

but i know that's why they do it.

they'll beat you to the punch.

cripes.

anyhow, so there it was. clean your intentions of all that you think you want and be naked because the magic you incite will be your own air and water and food and make you who you want to be. artful mindfucks are like dry, condensed love affairs in silver packets you take to the moon and back.

i've made the mistake and gone through with failed mindfucks anyhow, and i can't wash them off my skin and out of my body fast enough.

now i hold out for magic and beauty. nothing can be mundane!

every moment is new. every emotion. every person!

but i'm a very self-absorbed leo. i can turn anything into something about MYSELF, so now i will mourn what i saw and loved in the snakefucker, and embody, become what i loved and how it made me feel.

and when you deconstruct what you thought was magical mystery, you can find it in the shadows or it will find you.

everyone's not supposed to be your everything. sometimes a sweet ride on the train is all you need and it's everything and more than enough and even a lifetime.

time is irrelevant. it's the intensity of the experience and expansiveness of the love.

and as always, i will hold out for greatness. because when you patiently hold yourself and others up to their best, you will get it, and that is pure 100% un-cut cocoa. none of that cheapy, milky chocolate i actually prefer eating in real life.

it's a bitch being a fucking romantic. you have to fight to hold your goddamn sweet corner every night. hell, you'd have to embrace at least some of the concepts of the marquis de sade, simply because when you do this shit right--fuck daisy chains by candlelight---you arrive at the first kiss all bloody and swollen with one eye shut but your heart quivering on the floor by the fireplace.

anyhow, amazingly cool things happening like magic when i go out to parties. i'm not insane after all. but i can't talk about anything yet. i have to go this part alone. no lines. no words. just wonder. but something's going on and i'm afraid but i have to remember i've been okay so far.

and i've gotten good at protecting myself.

so the mindfuck shouldn't get you what you want. it should get you what you need.

happy new year and good luck.

i know that i wrote about more than i should've. a lot of this stuff isn't supposed to be written about, but at the same time i wanted to call out those who're also like this but don't trust it yet. i'm learning there's a whole other level of chatter and communication i'm only just discovering. i don't know what's being said. nothing's as i thought it was supposed to be. it's undramatic. it's just there. i thought everyone saw it. but this woman at a party took me aside after i'd casually said some things i'd seen in her husband... i don't know what to write here... anyhow, she said a lot of things that made me realize i'm not insane and actually, they make a lot of sense if i stand on my head.

anyhow, i don't know what's going on. right now it's like i've just been allowed to sit on the floor outside the closed boardroom doors.

x