i'm sobbing a lot this morning for who i was and how much i hid. fuck. he reminded me of the passion. he's RIGHT. fuck. it was always there from the beginning and i'm crying because how did i end up so far away from my own SKIN?

i miss skin my color and i'm mixed and have been white guys' latina fantasies that make me groan. but i only ever felt at home with skin my color, passion as loud as me.

and fuck... he's right. he said we had so much passion and we DID.

and when i was simply myself, white guys would freak out and crawl away or leave.

and this is the world in which i ended up.

how the fuck did this happen???

where did they all go?

and the ones we left behind we trashed 'em ourselves.

fuck. i'm sobbing. i don't understand sooo much. so much pain. so much neeeedless pain.

and we've created a world where girls like me are wasted as jerk off things.

god, do you know how amazing we all were?

lisa was 13 but she dragged a 28 year old hustler guy around by his fucking NOSE.

we weren't pussies like how you make white girls today. we didn't hitchhike and get instantly raped and killed.

the world has turned into this fucked up feral place worse than anything we did, and so many get hung up on the age differences and everything else.

i get hung up on how everyone has abortions as easily as smacking mosquitoes.

this has become a seriously fucked up place and i'm not an evil superfreak. the white guys you all respect were always the creepiest fucks.

some guy who ended up on the cover of "time" magazine was crawling all over my head trying to get me to suck his dick in my apartment weeks before he was supposed to get married and he was some churchy white guy.

and we were the bad ones?

who the fuck is the asshole???

i didn't suck his dick. i let you all think i was more whore than i was because it was easier than letting so many of you down.

i cry because it's so hard to find HOME when you're like this.

it even took james a long time to get used to my hair not being straight. now he loves it.

but i'm soooo lucky to have my first one bring me out as myself. no matter what life threw at me,
i always felt adored and gorgeous and amazing in bed as myself. not as some latina fantasy.

i cry for all the black men who've fallen and been taken away from us. i'm so sorry. my heart is broken.

what the fuck have we all done? it really is a fucking tragedy. all the ones who knew what the fuck to do are dead, in prison, or taking it up the ass in corporate land and living like zombies in their own jerk off fantasies.

it SUCKS to be the fantasy. but it's heaven to finally be the goddamn NIGHTMARE.

e