poor guy's a little freaked out about the age thing, me being 12 and all.

but i think it's super hot. and all i'd want to do if i saw him is show him all that i've learned since then.
THAT would be a cool story because this time i'd stick around to learn what he wanted to teach ME.

not finding my first guy and swapping photos. that's too "old lady" for me.

and you don't want to look a guy like that in the eyes and distract the laser beam of his wife. it's dishonorable to do that to another woman who's healed a guy who's been broken-hearted a lot.

you've gotta go for the BIGGER story.

the times were different, you all. this is why i'm one of the minority who thinks the girl who fucked roman polanski was telling everyone to shut up because she'd long since begun to jerk off to the memory.

when you freak yourself out, it's the highest form of masturbation that you can revisit like a neighbor for a cup of sugar in a pinch before bed.

roman polanski seems more like fucking a rat, however, as would be expected from the director of "rosemary's baby," it'd add to the "beauty/beast" memory and therefore becomes a hot asset instead of a hindrance.

yeah, fucking wrinkly old men can be hot, like fucking the grim reaper before you succumb and join him.

in my new story i'm being RAPED by, "the revenge of the harlots," you have to earn those laugh lines from living. you get a new one carved in the side of your face for every nightmare you overcome with blisters in your pussy from jerking off so hard to your own superhero-ness.

maybe you have to be a leo to jerk off to yourself, but i think the world be a much nicer place if we weren't hindering young girls from being with older guys. college age. i'm not trying to bring back 12 year olds being sold to 70 year old white men who smell like piss and that hot tub after roman polanski rinsed off the youth and innocence of the 70s and decent movies.

but i AM trying to raise the level of teaching that needs to happen between the ages, and up the IQ of society, because boys our age were still doing dutch ovens and smelling their own farts up into college, and there was no way i was gonna even jerk off about fucking one of them.

and now they're running the world and my kind into the ground.

and the older men TAUGHT us how to deal with the lot of 'em.

i learned from an older man at a club not to hang it out on the dance floor because the best lovers saved it for bed and the showier women had nothing left in private.

i'm going down fighting simply because i heard the vaginal walls thin as you get older and i'm pissed off because while i was off trying to be a lofty, "do good" writer, everyone done gone and made men unbearable to fuck without a fucking self-esteem seminar just to get them to push a hard on into your back and pin your hands over your head and hurt you just a little bit too much.

i thought i sounded like phyllis schlafley before? fuck it. add every horrendous fuck, i don't care. i don't have shit to lose except something to jerk off to.

(don't listen to me! suburban people who are too literal, RUN! bunny rabbit people RUN! i can't help this)

anyhow, this is art. creating ourselves and owning our truths. i've taken on laura as my visual muse.

i can't believe i said i was the future before.

but i can.

this is what i mean by many people inside me. i have quite a few assholes who sit up front.

i totally understand. i think i'm a total fucking asshole most of the time and can't believe anyone ever even talks to me. when nice people stick around i try to find a spot to yell, RUN! SEEK SAFETY!

but to be honest, sometimes i feel so lucky. as if i were a snowflake that just happened to land in the right spot. i can't believe i get to live this way. and not be killed yet.

my life is wrapped in bubble wrap. even if i die, it was perfection however it happens! i feel ready for the next adventure. i've got james all set. he'll be fine.

he worries about me, but i said we agreed to not live that way. if he held back for worrying about me, it'd be against everything we've worked for creatively.

i said he has to believe and focus on her. pay attention. dream about her as much and as long as he wants. i will respect his privacy.

she is lucky. she is lucky in more ways than just if she "gets" him (which is hard. james isn't a salesman. he's a long distance runner). but she's lucky if she's as good as she seems because i'd have to crack her like a crab and do a dexter on her if she fucked with what i love.

no one's coming in his face.

i don't judge anyone whatever you do, whomever you've gotta fuck. i think it's all on a person-by-person basis and the magic you're after. it's all creative, either way.

i'm going for the long story. the story that continues in oliver and all the quiet bogarts who're out there. i'm so glad i could sing. thank you so much for listening.

please don't tell me in person you read this!

thanks.
e

x

p. s. lisa and i always always always told men our ages. the older ones jumped back like burned while the college guys moved in closer. they were still like babies, that's why.