i think it's time for me to move along.

something breaks and i have to start anew.

i know it's the right thing to work on leaving because you can't serve two woman in any decent way that crosses time, etc., and i need to leave space for james to have something normal and healthier and regular.

i wish i were normal. oh, you have noooo idea how i wish i was just exactly like everybody else.

but i am.

i'm just broken.

i have to be the only one because when i'm not, i lose interest and move along.

i even did it with lisa. when she had a baby. when my friends get married.

i've never been the girl to set up the bridal showers. i'm like a private friend. can't explain. mark lammers would TOTALLY understand. he always did.

we said it was just because we were born on the same day. but as much as we avoided everyone, we NEEDED everyone.

we just hated to be asked to leave.

it happens enough already.

(smile)

this is all "technically" wrong. but it's my REALITY.

and one of the main reasons i'm not as slutty as i wanna be, is because i fell in love with the reality of semen everywhere. confetti of the "here and now."

but i don't want to die for inferior semen.

so i have to know where it was made, bred, what's in it, who's carrying it around, is there GOD in that semen?

there has to be god in the semen running down my leg.

plastic sex is like fake tits and eyebrows too deadened with botulistic rot to move.

and i think it's over for my dear james and me. i love him so much. it's the best thing i could give him is to figure on how to go away.

when you start with romance, you have to work on it to keep it up.

but when you start with, "i stopped messing around the moment i met you" over "we stopped messing around the 7th date in," it's always vague and regular and american. it's TECHNICAL. and with that kind of thinking, honor can be rescinded during any argument.

there's no romance in technicalities.

but where to go?

i'm terrified. i'm sad. i'm broken-hearted. but it's the RIGHT thing to do.

it's so hard to be a lover who really LOVES. it's sooo hard. my heart is breaking anew...

e