i was/am wrong about everything.

if you're young and listening to me, DON'T. older folks already know i've gone mad.

no one understands my relationship with james, us apparently among many of you.

he was a motorcyclist (as opposed to "biker") who wrote me a fan letter in '98 i think, and there was just a feeling i had to talk to him so we talked on the phone, blah blah blah and i was curious about men after being with women for awhile, and we just kinda' preferred hanging out to being apart even though we were just fuck buddies and never really kissed or anything romantic.

and he needed a place to stay and he came here for a month and never left.

we weren't sure what we were but everyone said we were like a happy old couple already so be thankful. but i needed an occasional run around the block and something new, so i'd occasionally go cattin' off to the side and it was no secret but i rarely told him.

he could handle the old canadian because he was old and i told him the broad points so he didn't feel left out.

that's the hard thing about even having multiple best friends: people feeling left out.

and as the girl who's got a major fucking chip on her shoulder from always feeling left out in every sector of life, i try to not have others feel left out. it's agony.

so that's how i ended up consoling james on my leaving him as he is already putting this woman's needs before mine on the FIFTH fucking date.

now am i a cunt?

maybe. and you know what? good.

i'm fucking TIRED TIRED TIRED of sucking all these white boy dicks and propping you all back up so you can go back to being shredded by your full-time white girlfriends and wives.

and i was fucking TRAINED for this shit by my own white mother. do i sound all 'nation of islam' on you? well, i'm still listening to my Higher Self but she's sitting this one out as she knows i get to cartoon rant in black and white sometimes because it's the only fucking WAY i get the goddamn MESSAGE.

so james comes back to me after he gets pussy fever the first time. i say, "i'll fucking iron you for your date, but never forget who comes FIRST."

and he forgets.

and i'm consoling him while i'm drooling with nausea that reminds me we're going many more floors down into The Abyss.

so i asked myself, "you're heart broken. but you knew james was going to have to fall in love one day. madly insanely in love or he'd never be complete."

i answer, "yes, but when he came BACK, i knew he was somehow back as family. knowing that i came first, and that no matter how radical it is to live this way, he would figure out how to have it all."

"but he only knows one thing. what everyone else knows. people basically want straight up monogamy and anything else is too complicated and a pain in the ass."

yes. it is a pain in the ass. you can't fuck all the people you want because you have to think about how they'll fit in in the LONG run and are they worth the erotic distraction and fights to stay in it with your primary at home so they don't FEEL LEFT OUT?

and only people who've been around A LOT know how to do this well. almost too well. it's actually fucked up if you cross this invisible line that's constantly squirming around.

so yeah, i can have other lovers outside and they can feel amazing and still whoever's at home will never feel the pinch of my distraction because i set up time away AHEAD OF TIME so it's not all noticeable.

yeah. it's a lot of fucking work. that's why lately i often go, "screw it. now i've got internet porn."

and i can get more work done.

but now that i've got free time to ruminate on all of my bad timing and fuck ups, i'm FURIOUS at all the fucks i passed up so i wouldn't HURT james because i hadn't set up buffers ahead of time.

especially the snakefucker. realizing this is causing me to wake up james and rage around the apartment and bang on walls.

i feel like a free comfort woman for some prime white boy out of the game, for me to fix and return to middle class white girl i probably went to school with in massachusetts and she probably asked me if she could touch my hair and my skin and later said i was weird.

and i feel stupid because when james came back, i realized it was more as family with our wierd open thing. but he never took me up on it and i have to coach him for months to even consider dating like now.

but the idea was to have lovers/friends and still our home. not UNTIL something comes along.

but now five dates in and he's already holding back affection because it's for her. i said, "blow jobs is one thing, but cripes. i'm just talking about AFFECTION."

but even still if i DID wanna give him head, i should be able to, and she should be consulted as a newcomer. i feel like i'm helping shape something special for her.

and so i'm furious because i was told and continued to live under the impression that we were in this together, no matter how weird or hard it was, and it wasn't just a standby thing until something BETTER BRIGHTER AND WHITER came along...

was it?

it is. it always has been with most friends.

he says no. but i HEAR what he says for real. he says, "i guess it'd be okay with her if we were still affectionate and i'll tell her she'll have to be okay with it."

fuck HER.

fuck, HIM, too. pussy motherfucker.

now i'll let him cry and sob. yeah, i was family. he says he'll stick around until things progress. fuck you!

i hate everyone now.

everyone.

even myself. i don't know shit.

don't you DARE listen to me.

i'm still my mother's daughter and sublimating myself in the service of white women and the men who want them.

it all feels like my mother. she would confess and cry to me and be my best friend as a kid until she met someone then i was on my own.

i hate love.

you all can have it. it's evil.

(and this is how erika became the cat lady jerking off only to porn in dark room)

i'm not cynical. i'm a realist.

revenge of the harlots indeed. i'm so fucking tired of wiping your confessions off my face and you all going back to some suburban fantasy while i live in the fucking crosshairs of reality.

i'm so sad because i love james, but when i see i sacrificed my own fucks for another's weakness when they weren't in it LONG HAUL same as me, i'm afraid i can't ever come back from that.

i HATE seeing people in bad ways. i'll try hard to change this. but the trust is gone and without that, i'm just waiting to pack up and go.

what's there to lose? i've already lost my cotton picking mind.

i can't believe i'm writing all this in public. i'm going to regret this. fuck. i regret so much already. but also i don't.

i just HATE being lied to.

this is why i'll never marry.

we aren't ever really lying when we're full of shit. we just don't KNOW ourselves.

this is why i love assholes everyone else hates for talking too much. i never have to read minds. i know exactly where i stand when we start off with a smile and "fuck you, bastard."

i love that shit.

i pray that things go well with this girl. they probably will. she's got her own pilates biz and "amazing deltoids" but i'm not gonna be the horse they were gonna ride into the sunset.

i hope it goes well. james gambles too quickly. when i'm gone in my heart, i'm GONE.

i really do hope this girl works out because i'm done suckling like some black mammy.

cripes this is so disgusting how what we turn ourselves into when we're not noticing.

i can't believe i managed to still jerk off twice today. i need to be angry more. less understanding. this understanding shit is killing me.


e