i'm ok.

thanks for all the emails from friends i haven't heard from out of the blue. i'm overwhelmed with all the love i get. i'm telling you, i really still assume i'm a grade A shmuck, but i can't be all bad if i've got friends like you all.

where i'm at:

i run into the girls at the gym all the time now. it's serendipitous with margaret. she's such a love. she is a naked lover in the world and always toddles out anew.

after a hot bath last night, i wrote the snakefucker, willing to try anew.

but i won't hear from him again. writing him felt natural, normal. but afterwards it felt dead. like no one was there, and no one would BE there.

but i'm full of fluctuating emotions, so i don't know what is real, what is imagined.

it doesn't matter. what matters is that for my sex to come back, i have to always be reaching OUTWARD. not curl up inward.

so i put that aside and decided to go ahead and have an affair with margaret's friend. the one at the christmas party who overwhelmed me with his intensity.

i told margaret to give him my number tonight if he is up for a rebound fling while i'm in full on lover mode (verrrry rare. probably not had this time/attention since i was preparing for my first man). i can un-kink what has made his alpha-ness a little stuck. and i can put this opened up sexual energy somewhere safe and give him back to everyone else.

i miss james terribly. terribly. it's the little daily things that make up most of one's day that are hardest.

but now that he's gone a little pussy mad, i have to be less fluid and vague, and more decisive and quick.

so please don't think me mean if i'm compartmentalizing more like a man.

just because i can want to have sex with someone else doesn't mean that i adore james or even the snakefucker ANY less. if anything, i know i KNOW this sounds like absolute bullshit, but it's true:

in a way, the more you open up, the more you love EVERYONE.

yes, yes. i'm human, too. i want to ONLY EVER BE THE ONLY ONE.

but that'd make for uninteresting people, if i was everyone's ONLY ONE.

we need fresh water sometimes.

when i find a man i'm willing to be at his feet and serve him, and be his fucking SLAVE, then i will settle down.

for now, i feel like the ticking clock device has kicked in. life moves so, so quickly when you remember  you could die any moment.

fuck. whitney houston???

this is all so, so very wrong.

can't you all feel how insane all this is?

the waste? they're all human beings. we put them in the collisseum to cry for us, look beautiful, fuckable... laughable...  then when we're done, thumbs up or down, the lions always come in to rip 'em apart so we don't have to see our own tinsels fade.

whitney used to be on seventeen magazine with short hair. little stubby eyebrows. she was just a girl like all of us.

and oprah tried to get her to talk about how bad bobby was on national TV for all of us. the man who TAUGHT HER TO DANCE!

when she said that, i knew she was a goner for him.

the man who teaches you how to dance also teaches you to fuck.

but they didn't know how to come out of the hell they'd made. the darkness.

that's james, too.

togetherness is great, but sometimes you're not sure if what seemed light, is killing you.

like white sugar.

anyhow, i don't know.

all i know is that i've "crossed myself," checked myself, and i will be okay.

whatever happens, it will only come as long as i reach outward and inward.

that sounds all candle lit. ick.

sometimes i can't stand how i, myself, sound.

but i'm just typing. winging it before i re-read and change my mind.

anyhow, life is short.

now i have to wing it with the improv of saying yes and no and owning the next choice up before me.

so in the meantime, i must cry, fuck, dance, clean up this apartment. ugh.

that alone rekindles my ambition because if i had to be a cleaning lady, i'd have to do something at night to counter that. like break into peoples' homes and mess 'em up and leave flyers on their front door for my cleaning services.

so i love love love james and i'd fuck him only, and only him, if we were to be that way. but it really wreaks havoc on my energy to constantly deal with contradictory messages from people.

can i be swept away by even a rebound love affair? yes, of course. i SHOULD be swept away. but i try to plan what the boundary will be while i'm dry and aware so i can re-evaluate a little better later when i'm splashing around in the wetness.

james is having a hard time. but i have to let him be. find his way without me so that he can finally be the man he wants, and get the woman he wants.

that to me is eternal love for james and who he wants to be.

have a good week. it's gonna be busy for me. breakups are a lot of catchup work as you take over tasks i forgot to even do. like grocery shopping. i wish the full fridge would stay that way without ever rotting. it's like i forgot what to do with a head of lettuce.

thank you for your woo woo vibe energies and sweet letters.

x