i'm waiting for the big choking despair to bring me to my knees, but maybe it won't be so bad?

i don't get how any of this actually works. i'm awash in too much theory.

but i had a good day with amy. a REALLY good day, actually. i'm suspicious. surely i can be more melodramatic than this?


amy was right about us being in our forties and too tired to go all crazy throwing beer bottles at windows at 2am anymore. 

ah, but i think i spent it all on those deep wracking, soulful wails and sobs i accidentally fell into in front of him the day before he suddenly decided we were meant for each other for 24 hours. 

maybe amy's right about the in love thing, but i'll allow for the accidental manipulation of tears. i hate crying even though i now seem to cry all the time. they can be so manipulative. i don't mean 'em that way.  too obvious. 

anyhow, it doesn't matter. what matters is that i'm watching my reactions very carefully so that i'm not lying to avoid the pain and have it attack me later at a bad time.

but i think that there IS a dull sad pain, but i'm also amazed that the VERY fucking thing i FEAR--

to not only be left, but be left after someone fucks me and i kiss them passionately, opening myself to the moment without fear for later, then my fear was that someone would think it was "too much" and leave me with my tits in my hand again. 

they always do. they always go a little mad and run away to something more normal and come back later to talk about what happened with us.

and so i'd do that player girl thing of kissing with just enough obligatory wetness to be polite, but deftly turn my face and offer my neck, which was always surefire way to keep it kindly between the legs and out of my heart.

but james gave me a gift. a pledge to me for life and two amazing fucks that seemed to say "hello, who the FUCK are YOU?" instead of "goodbye, i just don't have 'it' for you," and a lot of kissing so amazing, i was trying to catch what his lips were saying so i could barely pay so much attention to his tongue.

and then the VERY next MORNING he says yeah, i'm not into you, we've gotta break up.

and if i hadn't whaled on him in the kitchen and while he was taking a shower, through the clear plastic curtain, i'd think i was about to snap. but nope.

maybe i've wailed from the deepest depths of below, fast and quit and hard, and raged, and come to understanding and love, and now so much damn GRATITUDE.

he also gave me the best of himself and the best years of his life.

there is no sweet and nice way to end. even deaths are more bitter partings than on TV endings.

so i learned that i dared to believe. i loved big and open and wide and my whole body shuddered and i came in ways i never have before. 

and i'm glad i waited to ONLY have TRANSCENDENT sex, for it WAS. it truly was.

because it was transcendent at the time, as well as now: it taught me that i can give and be my all, myself, and be nude, truly NAKED and unashamed and only big and loving, and then have my beloved change his mind the next day and deny it all... and i am OKAY!

i did not die as i assumed i would. i always avoided the nausea because i thought it would kill me. but the nausea is the bad story i made up. life is always better, infinitely more interesting, and bigger than my evil little small minded "stories" and imagination.

so james has left me with the greatest gift and lesson of any lover: he has armoured me with the innate awareness that i can handle my passion and open it wide, and not be decimated by rejection. i will be proud for my showing up and trying to meet the other person where he (or she) meets me.

and sometimes we cannot continue on our journeys together because we need breaks, detours, and rearrangements. 

i'm glad that i can be my sexually alive self and love and kiss wide open enough to talk into his mouth because i didn't want to leave. and i'm glad that i can toddle back out into the world and know that i can take more rejection and maybe learn to bypass most of the nausea of despair, for my showing up and being as aware as i can be, will be the goal. 

i don't want the goal to be "staying with" someone just for comfort or to keep him docile and mine. 

maybe you think i act too swiftly in getting him out of my home. 

no. 

if you're giving this up for a five-date girl, you've gotta go figure what that's all about. and without me. that's their journey. i was one part. now mine is done and it's time to live MY life. 

i want to not worry about anymore complicated relationships right now.

actually, i have to think about WORK. relationships will  have to take another back seat. 

so i'm really glad to have been fucked so well before i return to the take-out quickies of the magic wand.

he will be fine. i believe the MOMENT you realize what you truly want, you shouldn't waste another second of your time or anyone else's time. make a choice and own it all. 

man, that is SO the only way.

i jerked off something fierce last night and this morning.

i only jerk off that good when something's RIGHT, good, and scary as hell.

i was ashamed that i could jerk off during such a tragic event. but the fuck was THAT good. 

it was still resonating.

that's TRANSCENDENT!

life is funny. who knew my transcendent fuck would be my own james' good-bye fuck.

but i can take the heartbreak. in fact, i WELCOME it. i'll dare it. and then i'll twist its arm and fuck it right there up the ass, on the sidewalk.

x