james is back here with me, but we're not "together" in the biblical sense even though he was confused as to how his libido was back after 10 minutes back in the apartment.

i love him and he makes me smile because he means well.  he's not found HIS thing, and as one who's been planning events and backyard shows since i was 6 or 7, i have to cut folks slack.

but now i'm without my "thing" now, too.

i use this clog as a guage of how much i'm still in the game of art and life. i try to come back to this clog because then i'm not dead as an artist as long as i care and love enough of the ones i'm writing to.

i'm okay. just lost. i've lost my muses, my reasons for living, and i actually like the free time to NOT KNOW squat. i like not being busy.

i'm leaving for trips soon.

these are the first trips i've taken without any big fucking epic plans.

i almost wanted to take my serger because i do want to clothe people wherever i go. like lisa? she's always had a beautiful tiny little strong body, and i'd love to make her tight daisy pants with actual silk flowers all around the hips.

i've lost a lot of weight, but i'm so distracted with real life, i can barely tell. i just like that i have a ton of stamina to dance a long time or pick the orgasms off the very tippy tops of the trees.

everything's better in the reality behind the illusions.

i'll post a photo of my new superhero waist later.

i didn't want to now that i'm loving my open privacy. i'll just hide my face when i ask someone to take a photo of my waist.

i used to fight with my tits and ignored my waist.

it is so strong now. i even love the stretchmarks. they are like jagged flames and knives as i won my way back to my sexuality and my humanity and my REALITY.

i'm more amazing than i ever knew. so i will never try to sell myself to anyone ever again. i will be as understated as i can possibly handle, and see what they know or see.

my superhero waist later. if i felt like my soul was strands of every person i have ever met, then my father, lisa, james, jeffrey, laura  and margaret and brad and james and randi and sayadian and you all are in my ability to take a punch and fight and LOVE. more importantly, LOVE as a verb.

LOVE as ART.

that is what i DO know now. and why i am afraid that i've gone insane. if insanity is departing from the larger society, then i have, because now i believe that loving others and having relationships is the most important reason we're here.

and that's why i think the internet is mostly over.
it's already getting to be like the old mall you only go to for radio shack when your phone is jacked up on the road.

not even beyonce and jay z can live a familial life as a corporate product. trademarking your newborn daughter's name? eeek! cripes. talk about wiping snot on the world. that's not winning. that's just heating up the iron and branding yourself as livestock so you can get closer to living in The Big House.

(told you black americans can "out white" white people. it's creepy as hell once you notice what it is.)

anyhow, waist later. it's not a shallow image like some sideways "look at me NOW!" like a woman on oprah.

nah. you SHOULD'VE looked at me before because now i'm learning how to move out of the way faster.

i love james and everyone who's played with me in my adventures.

and i don't understand where i am and how NO adventures at all is actually the biggest adventure of them all.

i still don't know where i am.

but the magic is there. we make it or deny or ignore it. it's on us how much we regret when--and if---we make it to the old rocking chair days.

not to love fully is like wasting perfectly good orifices.

leave my ass alone. i've given enough at the office and in my bed.

if you still need my ass after all i've done to you, it'll NEVER be enough.

more later.
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