not being jealous is impossible work.

don't think that i'm one of those healthy san francisco swingers who discusses everything beforehand all healthy like.

if i could take a branding iron to the ass of most of my former men, i'd put "erika was here, erika will always be here" on their ass.

and i'd make them carry a framed photo of ME to either hang over the bed or put on the night table wherever they're at.

i'm no different than those creepy evil mothers who feed their sons so much they can't get out of the room, and they say, "i try to take care of him!"

evil! evil! evil!

i woke up and james wasn't here. or so i thought.

cripes. was his frustration making him a meat dog?

and in the dark of night, before my "higher self" was even awake, i wanted to go claim what was mine and say, "what was i thinking? unhand him! he's MINE!"

the frustration is realistic but also technical.

like a lot of people who save potential lovers all over the world like extra cigarettes, i had one man i see a lot, but was saving for "break glass in case of emergency" fucks. and now that i'm ready, i see him NOWHERE.

so i have to face my own assholeness when my higher self is asleep.

i don't know how those "ethical sluts" do it.

i have to have lots of illusion and busy-ness or i'm an asshole.

if i could, i'd have a harem of men running around the pasture getting strong and eating grass so their semen would never smell of asparagus. and i'd be like that farmer who fucks his cattle while his wife tickles his balls, nude, next to him.

i'm fascinated by HER.

so are the cows, probably.

anyhow, i don't know if my jealousy could contain my man fucking a cow over me when i'm right there.

white women have it all over me with their magnanimous nature.

i'd make him let the steer fuck HIM. that would be hot.

anyhow, as you see, it's a good idea that none of my lovers can find my last name and google me.

but any "erika lopez" out there turns out to be a little crazy. there was the one who was "lost" for a couple of weeks while her family worried.

i understand.

yes, erika... we ALL have to get lost every once in awhile, and disappear to be "erika lopez." it is a lot of fucking work trying not to kill the little white girls who'll get to feast upon my men.

yes. i'm a possessive asshole. this is also why i prefer to have lovers who live 3,000 miles away. i'm a perfect lady when i don't know shit. i don't NEED to know a thing.

i just apparently want to be center of the universe.

cripes. there's always so much work to do on this not being an asshole thing.

and i'm jerking off to real people because the internet is broken. it's really cramped my style on watching porn online in a pinch.

but i remember all the sudden that jerking off to actual people is what makes your glances wet when you see them in public, and that means you barely have to say "hello," give your name, or do much else.

which is just as well for someone with a mouth like mine. i never stop at hello.

i don't even know this man's name but i tested him and he prances and grunts like things are really heavy when i'm around.

perfect.

i don't wanna know a thing about him or his past or where he's going.
i just want to be where he IS.

and i'm being vague since absolutely ANYONE can read this. even some of the other "break glass in case of emergency" lovers.

but i never lie. you know that whatever i tell you to your face is true.

e