only in recent years have i taken to calling myself "the son my father never had" because i only seemed to understand him once i grew up.

for instance, i understand the old philandering husbands of yore who could and would keep their affairs from touching their families, with an art.

it's gotten a bad rap, but if you're gonna get married, i don't understand how you don't have the immediate right to go outside for physical companionship if it's denied within the home, especially if you're the one providing the home.

is it like i'm making a woman the equivalent to that cow the farmer was fucking with his wife tickling his balls?

again... i may be mad, but i'm right about nothing being as it SEEMS.

any wife who'd hold her husband's balls while he fucks the family milk cow is a fucking saint, like bernie madoff's wife. talk about HIM marrying well. she tickled all the family balls while they gang raped wall street's big daddy cow.

we're shmucks for playing in the game too, so we've gotta take our own assholeness on the chin. shit's gotta stop rolling downhill because we're drowning down here and with all the anti-depressants you all are taking, it's getting so i can't feel a goddamn THING.

anyhow, i can't IMAGINE playing duck duck goose, settling on someone you're willing to have CHILDREN with, and the best years of your LIFE, and waste the safety of the family on a fling? you can't do that.

and yet women would clamour, "yeah! she's right!"

no. i'm wrong. in your eyes, because i think if you want meat dogs you've gotta MAKE meat dogs for crissakes. they don't just come wrapped up under a fucking tree.

so you've gotta put up and out for a meat dog to channel that shit outward in a good and healthy "i just got my brains fucked out of my head and i love everyone" way.

and it comes back to you.

but that's family values to me. you make each other superheroes.

the family is strong. whatever you figure "family" is for you, fuck yeah, it's YOURS.

and i felt like i had that. and it is HARD to wanna fuck someone else's brains out and keep your heart and honor for the family FIRST.

i believe in always doing what feels right because it will also feel GOOD, and so when i feel nauseous, my body knows i'm in the abyss before my mind figures this shit out.

so i think "fuck, here i am again. honor gets butt fucked by a goddamn hard on over a white girl."

and i beg of james in my head, "please... please don't be the freebie that i get next. oh, please... i do love you, don't  have been one of those people who's always 'LYING when they're telling the TRUTH'..."

and white people would retort, "but you get to follow your heart [crotch] or you'll wonder what could've been!"

that's more "follow your bliss and the money will follow" crap that will be so early 21st century when you realize your bliss will soon be a warm bath and the rent being paid through the week in a residential hotel.

at some point you've gotta stop trading the fuck up. they're all the SAME. same shit different day. invest in your future fascinating hard ons and either be another woman for your man, another man for your woman, and all the ones in between and dress up like each other and make each other more freaky and amazing and fascinating and giggle because shit, that's all you've GOT for sure.

and that's also a miracle. to be able to even make it more than 6 months past the "i'll drink your fluids" stage to i hate you/but i still wanna fuck you stage. that's so much more real.

anyhow, i feel like an archaic man because my FATHER gets what i say when i rant about, "why can't people have affairs without losing their fucking minds and giving everything up for a goddamn roll in the hay that gets just as boring as what you had before because you didn't CHANGE UP ON HOW YOU WERE LOVING ANY OF 'EM!"

he gets it.

and he's considered a monster.

but you know what? he lives in the here and now, and women have had the best times of their lives with him. their most passionate sides he brought out and flung around their lives. they loved every minute. even the operatic dramas.

he used to listen to the arias while getting ready for a date. he'd take HOURS to get ready. it was an art for him. and a performance.

even my mother loses her hatred of all men when she forgets herself on ruminates on all the cool stuff they did together. he didn't complete her like she'd wanted, he made her BETTER.

and lisa's love was like that, too. even at 13 with a 28 year old boyfriend. she looked white but she was half black. and she dared you to stereotype her.

that 28 year old guy is now in his fifties for sure, and he STILL calls her and says she's the love of his life.

she can't stand him.

anyhow, i don't get it.

with all this "monogamy" out there, i've never seen so much roaming.

why not just admit it? deal with the terror of not being absolutely EVERYTHING to another person. and then relax and let someone else take over while you take a 3-hour bath.

delegate! delegate! delegate!

but delegate with honor and maybe everything doesn't have to be so all or nothing so you don't fear losing your mind.

but this is probably the shmata salesman talking. he's a realist. and you know what? for someone like me, the solid realistic shmata salesman who's still THERE solidly WITH ME at the end of the goddamn day, THAT IS HOT.

that is hotter than james and any deltoids. it's so funny what guys in shape notice and think others like. he ranted that someone i had a thing for was this and that physically and i laughed like i didn't even NOTICE because i don't fucking CARE. i figure i'll get used to what i don't know.

you can jerk off to anything if you try hard enough.

you can clockwork orange yourself into even FELCHING if you tried.

i'm not gonna try so if i run into you, don't even ask.

oh my god. this is like a divorce.

i see james try to explain himself and i don't hear a word. it's like he's dying before my eyes and becoming invisible.

i HATE when this happens. i don't believe a thing they say and they become the past right before my eyes.

it's so hard for me to settle down. but first sign of being #2 and i just have to go where the nausea turns to me dancing again.

i'm an asshole because i do what feels good and i seem to think i've got something going with some kind of honor. i've stopped apologizing.

i'm cold to his tears and i just want HIM gone, now.

the smoother it is, the less i'll listen to the bad me that wants a little freebie.

but i'll be small and sad again.

i've flushed everything down and away.

how can i NOT possibly end up under a bridge now???

it's like i'm DARING life and i have a feeling i'm not able to win this one.

oh, it's just as well. i'm so, so very tired of trying to get back up like the black knight.
i'm spurting bloody stumps now.

e