technical vs. actual

regardless of whether any of this makes sense (i don't give a fuck because INDIVIDUALS are even different within a relationship. you can't do that tit for tat shit because different things are important to the other), anyhow, regardless of whether any of this makes sense to you or not,

i have been around more and have the ability to compartmentalize lovers, whereas more romantic men like james cannot.

and what IS true of me is that i must ALWAYS come first in a man's life, whether it is during coffee or the length of a love affair.

the moment i am ignored in a bigger sense, i wither and move away.

and it's HEALTHY for james to be fully into this woman and i know that. but the asshole in me isn't interested in EVER coming second in any man's life.

i tried it in a woman's life and it was horrid enough. and i KNEW what she was about! only way she was able to sandbag me.

i think i'll be able to handle it, then i always get caught. you can't look in another's eyes for real and not get caught when they love you so much and make you come again and again.


i've always come last LAST LAST in my family and so i'd rather be alone than last ever again.

and that is probably the truest reason i will never ever marry. i never want to be left because i'm not enough or too much. i can't imagine how you all do it over and over again all the time.

i'd rather count on nothing and find any good company accidentally.

so i'm the REAL pussy of the room. pussy in both a good and baddish way. because i think it's hard as hell to go out there and try and find True Love in such a monotonous beige world. it's gotta take skill because you all are HIDING from each other in plain fucking sight.

e