time to hit the road again.

i had a talk with james. it's time for us to move on and apart. he's sad and doesn't understand. i love him and always will.

i know it sounds like goose for the gander stuff but it's not. maybe it is. regardless of whether i can handle my men with other women or not, while i'm fine with stepping out and around on occasion, i have no work prospects for anything here anyhow.

will i anywhere? i don't care. i actually doubt it.

but i can't maintain the straight face while a man i brought back to life (as he did with me as well) is handed over for another woman to enjoy fully.

we're too close to suddenly be like regular room mates. and i held back on the snakefucker because i didn't want to put him through this pain. i knew it'd be different with the snakefucker than with other men because at times it was hard for me to be there.

i stopped fucking james because of The Snakefucker. i couldn't fuck james without feeling like i should be with the snakefucker.

my body had already been keyed to another man and james knew it, even though he never said anything. he even mentioned it the other day.

but i could suck on james and never ever forget it was JAMES. man never got a blow job as passionately as that man did, in the history of the universe.

and i taught him  how to finger fuck like a lesbian and he was so brilliant. it's been years since that. and when he was with his last girl, the fingers blew her away and i wanted to hurt her because she was too much of a bitch to reciprocate in any sexual way.

whore. no.. CUNT.

i hate that fucking word.

took me 3 decades to go from hating "pussy" to using it for everything good and bad. it's like chinese. depends on how you SAY it.

but cunt is cunt.

i know it's the right thing to get out of his way as well because i can't ever be what he needs. i'm like the gay guy he lives with. he needs mystery again.

and i need to scare the shit out of myself and have a new adventure, regardless of how it ends.

i don't know where i'll go or where i'll end up. i'm terribly sad to leave, and will take months to break down almost 20 years in california.

i came here sight unseen, as well. i had no prospects in philadelphia and had never been to san francisco, but kris kovick was writing me fan letters and i only had enough for a one way ticket to san francisco for the book party that my pia sweden cartoon first appeared in.

i still love philadelphia, but it'd be like returning to an old lover and there's no surprise or magic there anymore.

i love san francisco even now with its affluent precious people. at least it's not portland. yikes.

anyhow, settle down my portland friends. i like portland but that girl from sleater kinney was on fresh air talking about their food allergies and i got a serious case of the heebie jeebies.

where will i go? i'm chicken shit so i'll probably go wherever i have a friend who has a place. i have friends here who have spots in oaxaca and acapulco.

maybe i will stop being erika and use my middle name like i once did in school in west virginia. i forgot and the teacher thought i was slow for the first couple of weeks as i got used to hearing my new name.

thanks for giving a shit. i can't believe anyone reads any of this stuff. it's the most unsure, muddled, confused bullshit. but it's all i know at the moment. the best i can do.

do i care? of course i've always cared about anyone who had the inclination to read or understand me. sometimes you've explained me back to myself.

it's hard to get tangled in the shtick. the stories.

i have to return to what i do best, and scare the shit out of myself. just like i did with looking back on My First Guy, i'll have to figure that looking back on anything i did now, i'll think it was as sweet as hell after all.

if you don't think i'm terrified beyond my wildest imagination, you've got another think coming. i've already used up 12 of the 9 lives i must've had coming. someone's gonna come calling on those other 3 eventually, and i'm gonna have to pay up. so i've gotta go tits out extra.

for myself.

all i ever really wanted to do is sit on the sofa with my best friend and read magazines.

e