today.

i calmed down a whole lot yesterday after i talked to my friend, amy g. she's up in sonoma county, and i'll be taking a nice sunday drive up to see her in the sunshine, with my left foot out the window (i love automatics!) and the music up loud and all the windows opened wide.


i'll come back with some yellow meyer lemons, blue dreams, and play with her dog, polly, in the green green grass.


the sunrise was beautiful this morning.


it's all okay.


amy also started out as a fan of mine, and like 14 years ago or so, offered to do t-shirts and i came over with a 6-pack and we printed in her garage and we've been tight ever since.


she can see a lot and tell me the future or what's going on now.


she said james is scared to death and is madly in love with me, and is enjoying this because in addition to other complications, a lot of this flip flopping drama is coming out of his resentment at feeling like my "butt boy" staying at home while i go out and do things, and i come home and give him blowjobs and don't kiss him.


she put it THAT way, and i immediately GET IT. because james isn't a "butt boy," and i remembered i'd noticed the same fucking thing in the beautiful couple in the far, far away land. he loved her sooooo much, he'd give his wife the world. but it wasn't enough. and he knew it'd all distilled down into something that was wrong for him, and unhealthy.


i believe that we can take a lot of fucked up shit, but the body and our soul KNOWS when it's just not "right" or FAIR. and there WILL be retaliation. it's HEALTHY!


so i love james dearly, and he's been a fucking HERO to me so i need to give HIM the space and room he's given ME to run around and fuck up and rage and not know what i'm doing.


so that's what i can do for him.


i won't catch onto the despair and drama because that's a distraction from the fact that it's probably james' turn now, to find HIMSELF.


if i'm to be any kind of real friend, real lover, i must love when i didn't feel like being loving.
and so i'll protect myself still and let him move out, but i won't fuck with him.


i'll take the high road and watch myself, and leave the space for him to act out and find himself. 


he wanted to be friends again and i'd said "never" because it was a betrayal like mark, to me.
but not really.


i need to let this one go and just roll with it. 


the kitty just came up to cuddle with me, and she's probably a little needy (like we ALL get---we're HUMAN, even the kitty). 


have a good day. 


it'll be rough i imagine, when i get home tonight and try to fill the holes.


but i'll try and buck up.


(smile)


thanks for all the kind words and emails.


x