ugh. the nausea and dry tears are back.

we're down to the sweet letters where you admit it's really finally over this time.

this is why i try to do things before i think too much.
this part is soooo hard to face.

the sexiness is gone when he wrote about all these amazing details of me, but said there's no (sexual) chemistry: "You have amazing sexual energy and when you find the right man he will be so lucky.  I wish it could be me.  I really do."

ugh. that's the worst kind of compliment. you've got it all...but it's still not enough...

the compassionate kiss offs are the worst because you fill in the blanks with evilness.

it's like, "at least you're smart. you don't have to be pretty."

i'm gonna try and let that roll off like nothing but i can already tell it threatens to resonate like a bell.
but i have to remember he's looking for something in particular. i always knew that. that's why i held back the kisses.

but, fuck you all... you still get hurt baaaad either way.
cripes.

anyhow, i think i've gotta hide away and be quiet so that i can focus on getting over this thing so that i can find a fucking REASON to give a fuck about being a part of regular, functioning society.

ugh.

thanks for the emails and phone calls.

that dull ache that i was expecting earlier is coming up.

forget the suitcase. i feel like the samsonite guerilla has me and my heart in his grip and is about to fling the fuck out of me around that cage.

i'm gonna try and get through this and just go to the gym.

so i hope to be quiet here for a bit. not risk being clear or "entertaining."

time to be small, messy, sad, and get back to what i've gotta handle.

yikes. gotta go now. it's late.

e